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1.17.2011

4 year itch.

I thought I was Sabina (Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera). I chose lightness and would’ve wanted my ashes thrown amongst the wind. Like all things, lightness is relative, what’s deemed as something liberating can constrain you all the same.

Ultimate freedom meant being in possession of yourself, regardless of your relationships. I was Thomas all along.

“I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation.” – By the river piedra, I sat down and wept –I remember reading this passage when I was 16. It sounded so beautiful…. I kept the words in my head, like a little prayer, a reminder of what kind of love I wanted. 

WANT. Want is a two-edged sword. Passionate but capricious. Strong but wavering.

To make a ‘right’ decision, I always go for what I wanted more, or never tried before. 

Man is in love and loves what vanishes.—W.B. YEATS 

Love’s not about security, I know.
Love is… a perpetual question with infinite answers.

Maybe love is not about finding your ideal person,
Someone who quotes Lord Byron,
Read more books than you did,
Crazy. Eccentric. Intoxicating.

Love’s about warmth that gently melts your wandering heart.
It pushes you over the edge, but catches you still.
It never asks ‘When?’ but says, ‘Take your time’
No matter how fearless and restless you are, it makes you want to curl up beside the person, and have your most peaceful sleep.  The kind where you don’t remember your dream but you wake up feeling considerably better.

I don’t promise forever. Eternity is a pretentious word when used by mortals.
I can’t say that things would be better this time (again and again), cos I change my mind a lot. But if love is a decision I have to make everyday, I’m giving you all I have left, every hour, every minute, every moment that I choose to be yours and yours alone.

I feel like a child coming home.